My Journey

In Between Heartbreak and Surrender

Today I woke up and felt like a truck had run me over. The ebb and flow of mental and physical health can take its toll when you push your mind and body to their limits. Progress is often one step forward two steps back, and that is where I am at today. It may be the lack of sleep, worrying about all the things I left unfinished in London before I traveled, or a handful of other things, but it’s not a good start to the day.

I tried to get myself on the right path by meditating and stretching before starting work, it helped a little, but I think I will need to make sure I am removing all distractions to get anything accomplished. That I am prioritizing my work over a day I clearly need to take off, is a great example that I still have a lot of work to do to prioritize my time.

There are always going to be factors out of our control. I don’t know about you, but I was always taught that the only thing we can control is how we react to the things we can’t control. On this day, I find that lesson hard to swallow. 

Even when we think we can plan for any possible scenario that may come our way, we don’t know how we will react until we are already in that moment and responding. Up until that time, everything is a hypothesis and assumption. We can’t hold ourselves at fault when we get to that point and everything we prepared for flies out the window along with our sanity. Today I’m thinking back to the moments and events that I prepared for, and where, when it came time, I found myself ill-equipped to act as planned. It’s an impossibility to think that we can plan our lives and act or react reasonably, with the forethought to achieve a balanced outcome. We are human, we are fallible, and we have to forgive ourselves.

There are times when all we can do to keep our sanity is surrender. It may be the only way to survive a situation physically or emotionally. The problem comes when we need to reengage. By surrendering, we can feel hopeless, out of power, and lacking the skills to begin driving the outcomes for ourselves again. It can take time and a healthy support system to get back on your feet. Know that we all make choices while in the moment, and they may not make sense in hindsight, but they should not define you or devalue all the moments you made better choices. Make better choices next time.