My Journey

In Between Obligation and Change

Today feels like a bit of a void. I don’t have the motivation to go out; it may be the heat or too much sleep in the days before. It’s also a quiet day in general because it is the day after a major religious celebration for the Greek Orthodox community. I can hear the bells in the distance and imagine the services taking place.

I needed to do extra stretching today because I slacked the day before. Starting to swim after a long time avoiding the water for any real physical activity was something I should have eased into more slowly. The first day I got a horrible leg cramp and probably looked a bit like a fish out of water trying to make it back in towards the shore. I have to be more careful before I go out again. I never realized what sitting at your desk for so many hours will do to your leg muscles. I miss my standing desk right about now.

Staying in and not going to the beach seems like a waste of an excellent opportunity, so I have to change my behaviors. I have to hold myself accountable and acknowledge when I make excuses. I can’t repeat my past of dormancy. Making plans to do well means nothing unless you take action. I can’t pat myself on the back for inaction with good intentions; it doesn’t work that way.

The rigidity of my new schedule and the drastic changes I am making are making me feel a bit claustrophobic and confined, though I am the only one holding me back from the plans I am making.  I know it sounds like I argue with myself a lot, but my mind is always working and weighing out options. Hopefully, this gives you a glimpse of the back-and-forth I go through to decide anything.

I will say that though the process is painful, I can see myself changing for the better and am excited for the day that this new routine feels normal and less like a disruption.